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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Last Will And Testament

At some point in everyone's life, they must concern themselves with the issue of their final wishes. At the senseless age of of nearly twenty-seven, I think I've got all my wishes sorted out.

Upon my untimely passing, there will naturally be two periods of observance.
  1. A time of extreme mourning for society as a whole.
  2. A time of extreme inability to purchase calendars, as they've all been pulled from stores in order to re-print them all with my day of observance noted on them.

 Following these two periods, the following three final wishes are to be carried out:

For the first 72 hours following my passing, my slowly decaying corpse is to be used as a torment / practical joke implement, to be applied towards people I disliked when I was alive.

You'll have to act fast, as the list of people I disliked while I was alive is quite large, and grows at near exponential rates. Also, to maximize the effect of my body in this task, I think a good idea (but by no means the only one) is to secretly place my corpse in a place that forces the fucking jerks to interact with it in their everyday lives. Here's a few ideas, where the decomposing head of Abe Vigoda represents my body:

At dumbass coworker's desk, on top of office necessities
Propped up against fuckwit's home door
Suspended over dickface's car, preventing them from moving
Bound to nippledick's child
Following the corpse-jokery, my corpse, drained of all funny material, is to be launched into space aboard a commercial rocket. With an orbital period of no less than three full revolutions of the planet, this will give me the chance to pass a judging scowl upon tens of thousands of miles of potential jerks below. Followed by a glorious re-entry into the atmosphere, which some moron will just happen to catch on his Handicam, and place on YouTube as "100% proof of UFOs".

Once I become airborne particulates that everyone has to breathe in, my final wish can commence. All my possessions (cash included) are to be assembled and packed into the coffin that would have housed my body. These are to be buried, because they are mine, and only mine.

Before finally burying all my stuff (because you know they're all mine), a gypsy curse is to be placed upon the coffin, to curse those who may wish to obtain my things. God help you if you attempt to take my things.

Rest assured, the haunting I'll put on your ass will far outweigh anything you obtain from the coffin.

That shit is mine, asshole

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