Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Popular Misconceptions Demystified by Me

Misconception 1 - The moon orbits the earth

While the moon DOES cause the tidal forces on Earth that pulls on the oceans creating tides, the moon DOESN'T orbit the Earth.

What does the moon orbit then?

Answer: Beth from "Dog the Bounty Hunter"'s tits.

Beth's tits hold the moon in it's orbit, as well, they sometimes pull satellites out of orbit to their death. Remember when the space station MIR fell? Well, neither do I...but I do know that the cause was Beth flying on an airliner, thus bringing her dirty gravity pillows closer to the space station. This threw off the delicate Earth/tit orbit equation Russian scientists used to plan MIR's orbit.

Please note that I never capitalized the word moon in the above fact, as moon is what the moon is, not it's name. Give the goddamn thing a name and I'll pay it respect in my future articles.

Misconception 2 - Men can't hit women


Estrogen doesn't break down physics.

Test: Find a woman. Cock your fist back, and then thrust it forward until it dead-ends into her babymaker.

Conclusion: She screams in pain....and if you did it right, she'll pee blood. Turns out it's quite easy to hit women.

Equal rights isn't a pick and choose issue. Whatever physical violence is good for the goose, is good for the gander.

She wouldn't think twice about doing it, pay her the same courtesy.

Misconception 3 - There is no cure for the common cold

Umm, bullshit.

The cold virus only survives in you because you're alive.

Take that you microscopic sons-of-bitches!

Misconception 4 - Al Gore invented the internet

Come on, are you serious? Stephen Hawking invented in the internet in the mid 70's for the same reason we all use it today....as a way to retrieve dirty wheelchair sex videos and brag to everyone else how much better then them we are.

Even though he's part robot and thus less total percent human than you, he's still 120% a better human being than you could ever be. And he'll let you know that ANY chance he gets. Horn tooting prick.

Misconception 5 - Columbus discovered America

Since we still teach this obvious fallacy in our schools knowingly, I should be able to substitute my own theory and have it be JUST as valid.

Who discovered America?

America was discovered by Joe Pesci in 1794 while he was searching for the fountain of youth so that he could continue making movies up until the present day while simultaneously warding off the decomposition of his over 200 year old midget body.

Acted in My Cousin Vinny AND discovered America. That man has red, white and blue coursing through his veins.

No comments:

Post a Comment