Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Problem With Today's STDs

By STDs, I of course am referring to the organisms called children.

They come in all different shapes and sizes, but all of them cause a foul discharge/odor.

You'll see their spoiled asses rolling around your local Wal-Mart with their shoes that have wheels in them...ANYONE that has shoes with wheels in them is a complete and utter dipshit, and that applies to whomever bought you the shoes as well.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why today's children are so much more retarded than generations of past children. I haven't figured the situation out 100%, but I have identified one key area of stupidity.

Part of the problem stems from the books children read/have read to them. They're full of candy-coated, happy, tingly images and stories. All of those images fit under one main category: false. Children grow up being spoiled and happy/retarded all the time because they think the world is a happy place where they can pet unicorns and shit gum drops.

In an effort to stem this problem at the source, I introduce to you the ONLY books my illegitimate children will get to read during their childhood. These show a gritty, seamy and accurate portrayal of the world so they won't grow up with any false ideas or hopes.

When they're 30 years old, they'll thank me for these works of art.

Learn to fear and respect them

No Timmy! You can't have another bike! Quit playing with the cervix across the street.

When they've expired, you just throw them away! Under some sand!

 I'm looking....and I have no idea. I shall continue looking.

Red rocket gives you a free sunroof. Which you never properly thanked him for.

I never liked that fucking guy. I mean come on...red skin and orange nose? Ridiculous.

And there's not a god damned thing you can do about it!

 He's a traitor to all stuffed gentlemen bears everywhere.

 mmmmm....it's green! Now with twice the E. Coli!

Quick honey! Get the video camera! We won't want to miss these memories!

 You can never trust a cat with a giant red and white hat around your children.

 Just as relevant today as when I read it all those years ago.

 Free mustache rides! From vermin!

 Now that you point that out, it does make more sense then just me doing it.

 Only sickos would find sexual humor in a monkey jerking a rope in front of a squirrel.

 That's why it's best to just give up after you find the six dogs wearing hats and eight crying kids.

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