Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Future Cookies

They're little, brown, and full of shit.

I speak of course not about assholes, but about fortune cookies.

If people said the same asinine crap as fortune cookies they would undoubtedly be killed. Have you ever once, in real life, seen a fortune cookie that contained an actual fortune? No you haven’t. I don’t even know what you’ve seen and I know you haven’t seen one.

Why? They don’t exist. Below you'll find three cases:


EVERY cookie anyone has ever had has been either of the two latter varieties.

And what the fuck is with the lucky numbers? What’s that even mean? There’s like 12 numbers that the cookie says are ‘lucky’ and not a goddamn one of them do anything for me. Are they lottery numbers? Are    they the phone number of a woman that will have sex with me? Are they the combination to a safe that contains tasty treats and gold? No. All they are is bullshit.

I always knew that the numbers one through forty meant something special to me! Look out lottery, I'm coming to own your ass!

I now present to you the way fortune cookies should be...and I’m pretty sure that after people see these I’ll attain a super-lucrative career writing cookie notes.

Oh fuck! It's that creepy janitor touching himself again!

 Seemed thoughtful at the time. Plus, the house was messy. Better then when I got her that book on how to perform oral sex properly; that's for sure.

Mmmm....Dixie Cups

You know how to cut right to the heart of me, fortune cookie fortune.


 Better then the time grandpa did it. I got in trouble when I rubbed his nose in it.

 Tell me fortune cookie: what about the buttsecks? Don't hold out on me now you damn cookie!

 I can't help it. It's so purple. I'm powerless to resist.

Like a rockstar! That's what I like to hear!

 With corrective lenses I can almost see that far.

 You're my only true friend Mr. Cookie Message.

I know. I fucking hate the sun.

Damn your black heart!

No comments:

Post a Comment