Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Lazy Tiny Trees. Get A Job

I planted you four years ago! What the hell have you been doing? I don't care if you're "smaller than a lighter". There's a guy in my office that can't be more than three foot six and HE still manages to get shit done! I'm not going to support your terracotta pot for much longer, sponge.

I realize it's early for you, but it is 12:30 in the afternoon, man; come on! Get your ass up and make something of yourself. Did you even look at those resumes I laid out for you? You didn't; I can tell. Just keep pissing those opportunities down the drain. God forbid you'd have to become vertical.

Oh. My. God. Is this what you do when I leave?! Whore your leaves out to anything with a pulse?! You disgust me. No, by all means, don't have your "friend" leave just because I showed up. What happened to you? You used to get such good grades in school...

Well, I see we've reached a new low, sir. Can't even be bothered to put our leaves on today, can we? Amazing. I thought we discussed you taking that computer proficiency class up at the community college. But I see now that being naked on your rock is the career path you've chosen.

There you are. Right where I left you this morning. Jesus. You know, the bills keep piling up here, but even that doesn't seem to be enough to motivate you. "I'm gonna photosynthesize this", "I'm gonna photosynthesize that", it never ends with you. Hello! These are halogen lights, pal. Do you think I was born yesterday?

You brought this on yourself! Hold still! You need a god damned haircut, and I'm going to be the one to give it to you! You're supposed to meet your social worker tomorrow, and you're not going to do it looking like an asshole! You promised that man that you were going to find a job, but he's not going to buy that since your small sand pile clearly shows no signs of you even attempting to move.

Well. I see it happened. You've finally let yourself go, haven't you? Sickening. Lying around in your own woody carapace all day; nothing to show for it. Do you have any jobs lined up? Do you have any ladies interested in you? Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? Hmmm? I didn't think so.

Just as I suspected. You claim you're getting work done, and yet I find you hanging out with your lazy, good for nothing friends again. They're a bad influence on you, you know? Not that you need the help. Don't think that I don't know that the pasty light-green guy in the back smokes; because I do. Alright. Why don't you stop fucking off over here and scour the classifieds like you said you were going to.

And there it is. Your plan has finally come to fruition, I see. You're getting all dolled up with your friends, preparing for a night on the town; on my dime no less. You're really a piece of work, you know that? Let me straighten you out here, sponge: it's give and take around here. I keep giving and giving, and you keep taking and taking. But no more. We're done here. You go out and have a nice time with your friends, you certainly deserve it with all that "hard work" you've been putting in. And don't bother coming back when you're done with your tree skank parade. You're nothing but a worthless shrub to me!

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