Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Monday, August 6, 2012

No-Nonsense Movie Review: Prometheus

Utter rubbish.

Lots of people had problems with this film because they felt it either left too much to the viewer's imagination in regards to its ties to the Alien plot-line, or because they felt that it was a stabbing at issues fundamental to all modern religions. However, my issue with it was far more intrinsic. As far as I can work out from my seat, Ridley Scott chose to fill the film with 124 minutes of:
  • The 57 year-old pot-smoking man to my left constantly uttering combinations of the phrases "oh my god", "look out", "oh no", as well as endless surprised and/or approving guttural moans. Additionally, when any serious action would happen on screen, such as alien attacks, he would stunningly choreograph his own take on the fight scene by punching at the air whilst shouting his catchphrase "oh my god".
  • A group of five people to my right adding awful one-liners to film dialog, like an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 written by, and staring, retards exclusively. Coupled with their incessant arguing for two hours that the character Peter Weyland in the film was played by Val Kilmer. Utterly convinced that this character...

Was not played by...
Guy Pearce; as we can see by there being no resemblance in the two photos. And was instead played by...
Fatass Val Kilmer.

Awful and terrible. Shame on you Mr. Scott. Were it not for these characters that you chose to incorporate into my theater experience for whatever reason, your film may well have been enjoyable.

1 out of 5 stars

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