Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Nature's Swiss Army Knife

Many items in nature serve varying degrees of purpose, some of which aren't even limited to being humorous to me. Today I'm here to talk about one such ambidextrous creature: the common scary fuckin' bee.

Let me preface all this bee talk by saying: fuck bees. I don't like them. I don't like their colors. I don't like their stinging asses. I don't like how they taste. I don't like the fact that they don't fear or even respect the fact that I yell at them. Additionally, on the list of animals to have sex with they are near the bottom...along with fat people.

Despite all these negative reasons, bees do have many useful purposes; which I will now cover.

Use #1: Vessel of Fear

Let's face it, bees are frightening. They can, and will, fly around you while wailing on you with a tiny knife. And do they travel alone? Don't count on it. Much like a flying gang of minorities, bees will fill any man's heart with fear.

Even ferocious dogs are forced to wear fagtastic clothes in an attempt to keep bees at bay.
What chance does the average man stand?

However, unlike gangs, bees care little about how young and nubile you are, or how shitty your taste in music is. They don't want to rape your daughter, just sting her while she's attempting to fool them with a clever and awkward swimsuit.

Use #2: Yum Yum Factories

Probably their best known role is that of secreting tasty, sticky fluid from their bodies so that we can put it in our mouths. While the liberal media may try to tell you that bees make honey from plant pollen, this is just a lie they tell you to keep the populace calm and under control. The truth is much more terrifying, and satisfying to watch.

Honey comes from rednecks who are sacrificed and dissolved by swarms of bees; finally allowing rednecks to be productive members of society.

Use #3: Casual Attire for Asian James Franco and Mother

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