Popular Misconceptions Demystified by Me

Misconception 1 - God loves everyone

First off I'd like to say, I'm unsure whether or not God exists, but if he does he has one hell of a sense of humor. God obviously doesn't love everyone, and much like me, takes pleasure in the dissatisfaction and misfortune of others.

Anytime you see one of these on the back of a car:

You'll see one of these in the window.

God loves you just enough to not kill you (yet), but lacks just enough caring to revel in the humor of your life just as I do. It's a constant struggle between humor and his job. He wants to be nice to everyone, but that's so damn boring, and no one knows it better than him. He may love everyone, but he doesn't love everyone at the same time.

Remember when you had that skiing accident and broke your
            face?.....Awesome!

Misconception 2 - Saying "I'd never do that" means what it says

....100.....percent....bullshit....

ANYTIME a woman says she's "never" done something or  "never" will do something...she's mostly likely done it 3 to 84 times. A common example of this is a fun game, called the buttsex game that my friend Thane invented. Here's how you play:

1. Ask a woman if she'd ever have buttsex - She'll say no (lie)
2. Ask her "what if a dog was going to get run over and only buttsex would save its life?" - She'll say no (bigger lie)
3. Ask her "what if your parent were going to be killed if you didn't have buttsex?" - She'll say no (elephant penis sized lie)
4. Ask her "what if you were married and loved your husband very much and he wanted to?" - She'll say no (my penis sized lie)

It's just that simple folks. This is a SCIENTIFIC test, we tested it on many-a-woman, and they all said the same thing. Now anyone with the proper number of chromosomes could recognize that 2, 3 and 4 are obviously lies, meaning the whole "I'd never" statement is a complete spit in the face to anyone with half a brain.

"No honey, I didn't have sex with our landscapers while you were
            at work. I'd never do that."

Misconception 3 - Toilets flush counter-clockwise in the southern hemisphere

If I shove you down 17 flights of stairs, which way do you tumble? Let's test that in both hemispheres too.

Ever notice how when you flush, little streams of water come out the side of the bowl at an angle? You think that MIGHT impart some sort of spin on the water depending on which way the holes were angled? Or perhaps your toilet / sink weren't built to laboratory standards, and thus are uneven and promote a certain angle of rotation?

Toilets spin backwards in the southern hemisphere just as well as tires all spin backwards in the southern hemisphere, along with CDs, clocks and meatspin.com.

If you really think that, please do us ALL a favor, and MOVE to the southern hemisphere. I'd rather watch 24 hours of Dr. Phil then listen to you try to "prove" me wrong, despite the fact you've never left your home town.

Look real hard and see if the bullet spins a certain way in the
            northern hemisphere.

Misconception 4 - The Blue Collar Comedy Tour is funny

I don't know exactly how many times a person can listen to a sleeveless man on a stool start jokes with either: his dog, his truck, or his sister / wife, but apparently it's enough for several tours worth.