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Sunday, March 13, 2011

Buffet Logic

I would like to share some rules / regulations / logic that I recently gleaned from patrons at the Wal-Mart of restaurants; Sizzler.
  • An entire plate filled with croutons, then covered in ranch dressing, is an appropriate meal for human beings.
  • Kids over 200lbs eat free.
  • Sizzler is a fine establishment where one can order wine. Wine that most certainly does NOT come out of a bag inside of a box.
  • 1 plate of salad = healthy
    17 plates of salad = 17 times as healthy
  • There's a direct correlation between the number of Micky Mouse / Hello Kitty articles of clothing you wear, and the number of kids you're attempting to feed off your one purchased plate.
  • Nacho cheese is the healthiest substance on earth, so it doesn't reflect poorly upon you if you ladle it on to everything
  • The sneeze-guard is great for mitigating the foods exposure to you while you stand and breath heavily in awe of the tub of French dressing. But it's completely powerless against you resting your bulbous gut on the buffet shelf, smearing sauces like a hairy finger-painting apparatus.

  • You could replace any of the decorative jars of pickled vegetables that are festooned around the buffet with a formaldehyde jar containing demons / body parts, and it'd be weeks before anyone noticed.

  • Kids are totally sanitary; cleaner even than a dog's mouth. So it's proper health etiquette for them to finger all the bread rolls and ice cream toppings.
  • If you can't find a ladle for your salad dressing of choice, it's OK to use the one from the next tub over. Others enjoy the very real pleasure that only a salad dressing "suicide" mixture can provide. 

Sizzler is damn tasty, but now I must go and be tested for foodborne leprosy and diabetes.

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