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Monday, March 14, 2011

Tales Of The HFP

There are certain unwritten rules of human behavior that we males intrinsically know from a young age. Among other things, we know that:
  • We must wipe our asses when called for
  • Boobies equal food
  • The long, straight Tetris piece is the lynch-pin to victory
  • We must hold our dicks when we piss
This is a story about a man that, as far as I can tell, doesn't know at least one of those skills. We at work call him Hands-Free Pee, or simply HFP.

Like a ghost, HFP randomly shows up at the urinals at work, and only at the urinals at work. You never see him going to lunch; you never see him traversing the halls; you never see him in the parking garage. Like a pisser spectre, this ghostly businessman appears randomly to a chosen few, and then disappears again. During the brief time you see him though, you can make no mistake that it's him by the fact that he appears to have a prehensile cock.

Like any good businessman, HFP is far too busy buying ten and selling five to use his hands for any extraneous activities; up to and including controlling his spigot while draining it. In defense of my staunch heterosexuality, I will say that I have gathered these facts without having to technically watch him piss. Allow me to illustrate how it is that I know he has a hands-free operation going on by showing the manner in which this apparition appears:

Wheeling and dealing and cock free-wheeling is how this guy approaches his business. Apparently business is good when you have the mental and physical aptitude to move your dick around with sheer willpower.

Surprisingly, his ghostly shenanigans aren't limited to the urinals only. A time or two I've walked into the pissitorium, only to find him standing in front of the sink mirror with his pants all the way undone and shirt un-tucked.

I assume he tightens his belt and pulls his shirt into the pants using his magic prehensile mind-dick.

Some say, that on quiet nights in the 3rd floor bathroom, if you put a newspaper down, turned to the NYSE section, and say "credit default swap" three times, you can hear the sounds the HFP talking on his hands-free Bluetooth device while pissing with his hands in the air; like he just don't care.

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