Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Operation Repo

Every episode of this show, and indeed many repossession shows, follows a very structured format. For those unfamiliar with television production, or film theory, this structure may appear transparent to you. However, let me assure you that there is a specific recipe for great-happy-success that the show follows, which I will now itemize.

  • Through a mastery of number and letter recognition, the O.R. team is able to not only identify, but verify a given vehicle is the one they're looking for by reading the license plate from well over 20 feet away.
  • Using the cover of broad daylight to hide their actions, they secretly pull up to the target vehicle, which just so happens to have 8 camera people surrounding it.
  • Against all odds, the "owner" of said vehicle detects that foul-play is afoot, and comes outside extremely irate. At which point they begin to use their non-existent knowledge of how finance works to debate the legality of the O.R. team repossessing said vehicle.
  • Due to a lack of finance knowledge on either end, the O.R. team deploys what appears to be some sort of proto-planet in a tutu in an attempt to either read the repossession order to the "owner", or incapacitate him via gravitational perturbations long enough to wheel the vehicle away.
  • The arrival of this moon-sized object causes mass confusion, and leads to much screaming and futile anti-towing defenses.
  • At this point, a large, overall-wearing member of the Aryan Nation comes out of the tow truck and proceeds to insist that the "owner" give him a reason to "massacre their cholo ass and soul" using a combination of giant fists and white power.
  • The owner generally (realizing they'd be murdered), backs down. The large Aryan then proceeds to throw them into a headlock, and beat the shit out of them anyway.
  • Once thoroughly in a coma, the O.R. team then steals the keys from the "owner" and drives away with their car.

It works every damn time.

1 comment:

  1. Do you mean to tell me that this fine example of programming on TruTV (formerly known as Court TV), a bastion of showing the consuming public documentary-level adherence to impartiality and truthful storytelling, is STAGING IT'S ACTUALITY SHOWS???

    I am shocked. Just shocked.