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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Whale Wars Suggestions

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching the entire fleet of Sea Shepherd ships repeatedly fail at even the most trivial of pirate maneuvers, but there's only so many seasons of abject failure I can stand. With that in mind, I'd like to offer up my object/tactic replacement table entitled:

Lame-Ass Sea Shepard IdeaMy Substitute Idea

Launching or throwing bottles of butyric acid as a means of stinking up the Japanese ships and whale meat. By all means, keep on doing what you're already doing. My only suggestion would be to replace butyric acid with what the kids call "napalm".


Allow me to demonstrate:

Here we see a Japanese sailor as he watches the small Sea Shepard inflatable "attack" boats approaching
Here we see the same sailor's maximum reaction to the stinky acid spilled on their decks
In stark contrast, we can now see how much more effective the napalm would be used in the same manner

Throwing bottles of red paint against the Japanese ships. First, allow me to congratulate the Sea Shepherds on their clever application of psychological faults. Using the following list of known Japanese cultural fears...
  1. Chinese invasion
  2. Mothra
  3. The color red
  4. Disgrace / childish name-calling
...they cripple the enemy from the inside out.

My suggestion, however, would be to hit them with the ol' one-two combo punch. Instead of haphazardly throwing red paint against their ships, trying having one of your art school graduates carefully paint this on the hulls:

They'll HATE that.

Spending millions of dollars on racing "stealth" boats that can out-run Japanese harpoon vessels. The Japanese are more likely to detect this stealth racing ship...

...than they are this hunter-killer submarine...

A submarine:

  • Is stealthier than your "stealth" craft, and endlessly stealthier than your other garbage trawler ships.
  • Is, unlike your other ships, not crippled by the slightest amount of ice; capable of simply passing under it.
  • Would certainly be faster than your current vessels, which are rated at "near-sea-cucumber-speeds".
  • Would allow you to dress the hull up as a female whale of some sort, thus finally allowing you to live your dream of engaging in whale copulation.
  • Could be purchased from the Russians for $1,500 and four crates of medium quality potatoes.

Attempting to bind and stall Japanese ship propellers using thick ropes known as "prop foulers" Let's face it, 90% of the time this action backfires upon you Shepherds; the other 10% of the time it horribly backfires upon you. Doing the math, that's a 0% success rate. I've never once seen you foul the prop of Japanese ships, but you have however wasted a lot of time, lost a number of ropes, and have even succeeded in fouling your own prop in the process.

As a substitute to the continuation of operation "Throw the rope now! Throw it now! now! Aw fuck we've crippled ourselves!", allow me to suggest this item as a replacement for the ropes:

A simple 106mm recoiless rifle should be roughly water-proof, provide an excellent firing profile for a small inflatable boat, and have roughly 9586% more effectiveness at rendering ship sub-sections inactive, and roughtly 483,394% more effectiveness at actually intimidating your foes.

Attempting to block the paths of Japanese ships in order to prevent them from carrying out their duties. This is by far the best tactic in your arsenal, and has little repercussions...except for when they ram you, and chop your ships in half. But even your best could still use some minor tweaks. While normally the sight of a gape-mouthed Paul Watson is enough to fend off even the brashest of Japanese sailors, I still suggest replacing this...

...with this...

While roughly the same shape and consistency as Mr. Watson, I think you'll find the magnetic sea mine offers two distinct advantages over wedging your own ships in between the Japanese fleet:
  1. It's far more likely to result in a drastic reduction of whale deaths...for those outside the blast radius at least
  2. While it may be cold and emotionless like Paul, it's actually capable of accomplishing a change in the current and future practice of whaling
Oh cuddly, cuddly sea mine; you're the whales' best friend.

Raising public awareness of the whaling issue by filming your operations. This one seems the most obvious, but it couldn't hurt to point it out anyways:

Simply replace your normal crew of vegan chefs, art school students and FYE employees with passionate and topless gun-toting European women; exclusively.

You'll gain more media exposure than you can shake a whale carcass at.

If you're willing to die for the whales, why aren't you willing to break the law and sink some damn ships? Better yet, just hire some Somalians to do the work for you; leave it to some real pirates.

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