Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Critiques of Middle School Drawings

Behold the gull-winged pornography that is Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG. At $204,000, it's probably the cheapest cruise-missile you can buy.

Now behold the Sycamore Canyon Middle School art department's homage to the lovely beast, as viewed through the unfiltered eyes and pens of innocent children.

For Christ's sake, Patrick. How the hell do you expect to pass a safety inspection without so much
as a single suspension unit holding the wheels to the car? Not to mention that you carelessly made
 the rear wheel 1.5 times the diameter of the front one. It almost as if you have no automotive design
experience at all.

I feel like this assignment was simple, and yet your lack of understanding has proven me
quite wrong, there, Alexandra. Unless I'm wrong, I thought you were instructed to draw
the SLS that was brought in specially for us. And yet you drew some sort of mechanical
sea sponge with a hydra wrapped around it. Amazing.

Look, James, I don't know how many times we have to cover this: your lack of
perspective and imagination are wholly unacceptable. The SLS looks nothing like this
and we both know it. See me after class.

What an odd serrated ancient coin you've presented me with, Alicia. What? That's supposed
to be the SLS' wheel? Wow. Ok. Clearly, Alicia, it's mildly round at best. What chance
does the SLS have to safely operate on this "wheel" of yours? Slim to none.

Well, I see you've labeled it as a Mercedes-Benz SLS, but frankly, all I see when I look at
it is a Galapagos tortoise. Did you intend for it to be all tortoise-y? Were the added facial and
ass hairs intended to get a certain point across...or....no?

Very funny, Leira. You're fourteen years old, I would assume you know the difference
between an automobile and a grooming device, and yet you turned in this
drawing of an electric razor. You truly confuse me sometimes with how wildly incorrect
you're capable of being.

If I've told you once, I've told you a dozen times:
1) Falcore the Luck Dragon from Never Ending Story is never the answer in this class, so quit drawing it
2) Quit abbreviating your damn name. It's Ezjud Jalopy, grow up already.

I assume we were gazing upon the same SLS, Olivia; afterall, they're not easy to come by here
at Sycamore Canyon. And yet, whilst I presented a gray one to the class, you managed to
find an entirely different blue one. I hope you brought enough SLS' for the whole class since you seem
to have an abundance of them.

Ryan, this vivid imagination of your has to stop! It just has to! Why in God's name when presented
with a perfectly good Mercedes, did you choose to draw what appears to be the aftermath of one
having been blown up? This morbid curiosity of yours will be noted in the counselor's office.

Wagon wheels, Abria? Really? Maybe if we spend a little more time showing the Mercedes
some respect, and a little less time playing with that iPod shuffle you got for your
birthday, we wouldn't be in this awkward position in which you've placed us.

Yet another in a proud series of half-assed attempts Kera, good job. I know you have weight issues,
but there's little reason for you to continue to insist on drawing everything with a grotesquely bulbous ass
on it. And by the way, don't think I didn't notice your pathetic effort to scribble in some
color all over the car, including the rear glass. Very classy.

You know, Sean, I kept waiting and waiting after class, hoping that by some miracle of the gods
that another paper would show up containing the missing half of your drawing. But I see
now that you're quite content just drawing half of it, and considering that a job well done.
Well, I got news for you buck-o; it's not a job well done. Unless you took some tour of the Mercedes
plant that I'm not aware of, and drew a car that was still under construction....which I very much doubt...then
plan on repeating this course in summer school.

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