Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

New Company Hires From LinkedIn

__________
Professional Brown Dwarf
Outer Solar System

__________'s Experience

Professional Brown Dwarf
Outer Solar System

March 2009-Current

Inter-office collection of gravitationally collapsed primordial gasses and dust. Too low in mass to sustain fusion. Not a client-facing position, but have people skills. Daily tasks consisted of leaking noxious lighter-than-air gasses into the surrounding environment, perturbing office resources with a gravitational-well, as well as ruining expensive equipment by tainting it with x-ray bursts emanating deep from within personal gas clouds.

From a leadership perspective, job duties consisted frightening coworkers into my defined standards and practices through fear of interfacing with the ever-present trail of shit particles that trails behind me, pushed outward by the solar winds. Also, demonstrating team leadership skills by displaying my perspiratory prowess in the underarm and lower back regions; likely caused by my intense tidal forces.

_______________
Senior Retrovirus
Your Vital Systems

_______________'s Experience

Senior Retrovirus
Your Vital Systems

October 2007-Current

Professional retrovirus with several years of internal corporate take-over experience. Once moved from one host-company to another, my injected sequence of seditious take-over activities include:

  • suggesting that everything done prior to my arrival was stupid and trivial
  • recommending the immediate replacement of anything I didn't have my self-righteous fingers in
  • submitting for review that any opinion or procedure that did not originate from me, is not valid
  • using a self-feeding firestorm of words to emphatically drown out other ideas, leaving the air so dense with my thoughts that others aren't likely to survive
  • Asexually reproducing by systematically forcing out current employees with my never-ending word-storms, and then replacing them with all my friends and colleagues.

Using the above techniques, I'm quite competent at bludgeoning a healthy working host company's systems and replacing them with my own pompous systems.

___________
Timeless and Ageless Ethereal Being
This Realm and All Others Beyond It

___________'s Experience

Timeless and Ageless Ethereal Being
This Realm and All Others Beyond It

NaN-Current

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

I also have advanced HTML skills and have evolved beyond giving any shits about pay, benefits or working-conditions.

________________
Unfrozen Caveman Salesperson
Shitty Used Car Rape Lot

________________'s Experience

Unfrozen Caveman Salesperson
Shitty Used Car Rape Lot

September 1993-Current

Me sell stuff. You want stuff? Want stuff or no want stuff, I stay till you buy stuff. No understand anything. No need to. Me sell. Me sell and smash. SELL AND SMASH!

With this dream team, I know there're prosperous times on the horizon.

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