Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

This Isn't Mogadishu, There Are Rules

Listen here, dickhead neighbors, it's bad enough I have to listen to your constant outdoor phone calls, and 10pm-1am toddler shouting matches; but when you start stealing my mail-delivered cheap and nearly useless car parts, we have an issue.

I understand that the allure of a small, padded, delivery-confirmed envelope sitting either on top of my mailbox, or on my doorstep is simply too tempting. It could be anything! My god! What riches could the 3"x5" envelope contain?! Treasure? Handjobs? Winning but unclaimed lottery tickets? Hard British candies? It could literally be anything!

What it was, in fact, was the part #4 in the diagram below, which is a strut tower cap for my BMW

It's one dollar and eighty-seven damn cents of black plastic that has zero application outside covering my car's strut tower. Zero.

The real question then becomes; which of you thieving prick neighbors thought you cashed in big time, only to obtain an ill-begotten plastic disc? Chubby forever-alone white girl, was it you? Downstairs constantly-shuffling crackheads? Or how about you Ethiopian family? Maybe it was you, second Ethiopian family?

Even though your larcenous nature rendered you incapable of passing my private mail without pilfering it, could you not have just returned it when you realized you lacked the mental capacity to comprehend how you could benefit from such an influx of thermoset plastic? Perhaps your constant public-transit use is only a clever ruse to hide the fact that you are simply rife with 135i's, which are also lacking strut caps?

Here you go, sir. I am returning to you this opened package that I mistakenly took from your door because I thought for sure that the addressee and geographical information tied to its delivery to your domicile was incorrect. Despite your name being on it, I was sure it was intended for me.

But upon seeing that it did not meet my reserve price for the eBay auction I posted it to, I'm being a good samaritan and returning it to its rightful owner. These things happen.

Regardless of who amongst us has the light-fingers, I hope you'll enjoy these new purchases I made:

eBay Item 2002334264181: Open glass jar of hungry and threatened South American bullet ants

eBay Item 2032332267982: Medium vial containing Ebola virus with missing lid

eBay Item 21326443247949: Electromagnetically suspended 2 gram anti-matter sphere in absolute vacuum shipping package with easy-to-open top

Let me know how you like those packages as well. I'll be looking for the screaming / flopping / twitching / annihilated body in the courtyard to indicate which of you savages is the swindler.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, sweet! This will make an excellent loose screw holder for all my projects that have me trying to corral all these screws!