Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Hobbles Answers Your Pressing Medical Questions


My Special Time Of The Month

I'll be 12 in a few months, and my mother sat me aside last week to give me a little chat about something called 'my special time of the month'. She also called it a period, but she didn't go into detail as to what it was or why it happens, she just said it's me becoming a woman. I'm nervous about what it could be, could you enlighten me?


Sure. A period is what happens when a woman goes batshit crazy, and her crotch goes supernova, for 30 days once every month.

You're eleven years old, and on the internet talking about your lady bits? Fool me three times, Chris Hansen, shame on me.


Bleed Me A River

I have had 3 nose bleeds in the past 10 hours. The first one was really bad. I couldve prbly filled a cup and a 1/2. And the second one was not as bad. The third one was almost as bad as the first one. What could it be caused from? I dont normally get nosebleeds. Im 20 and the last time i had a nose bleed was when i was 12.


Sounds like ebola to me. Definitely ebola. Either that, for late-stage onset face AIDS. If I were a betting man, I'd bet it was either ebola of face AIDS. Unfortunately, although I am a betting man, I have no free funds left to bet, as I went all-in on the bet that between you and death, death would be victorious here. Anyone looking to make some quick cash should make that same wager; it's a safe bet.


An Old Wooden Ship

I'm an older woman, who's made the unfortunate choice of being a smoker for the last 20-something years. Recently, I've noticed that sometimes when I bend over and struggled to pick something up off the floor, like heavy bags, or when I sneeze or laugh too hard sometimes I have...an accident. I urinate a little bit, and I'm worried that it means I'm becoming incontinent. Is there anything I can do to combat this accidental leaking?


Sweet Christ, that's gross. Gathering the courage to ask this question online is one thing, but how you muster the constitution to leave your home with this embarrassing-as-shit condition is beyond me. Here's a solution, drippy: put a tarp down in your home, where you inevitably live alone with several cats, and wait patiently for death to alleviate you of your disgusting ailment. The key to this plan is to never leave the damp comfort of your tarp. Boom! Problem solved.


Beets Me

This may be an odd question, but I've noticed that anytime I eat beets, my poop is quite red; is this normal? Could it indicate that something's wrong with me?


Believe me, in my medical opinion, there's lots that's fucking wrong with you. I draw this conclusion from having had sex with many pre-med students, and having seen Total Recall not less than 25 times. So you can bet your ass I know what the hell I'm talking about, there, Shitty McShit Looker.


Is It Chilly In Here?

Are the bumps on my butt and on the backs of my arms pimples?


Short answer: no. Long answer: those are tiny colonies of your virginity, futilely attempting to leave their orc-ish host to which they seem to be so cruelly affixed. Trapped in a symbiotic relationship, where they give you a lumpy hide that protects you from any potential mates, and you give them the sight of you masturbating in the Wendy's bathroom after drinking too much Mountain Dew.


Mr. Universe

So I want to wear a tank top to school one day cause it's been like 90 degrees for like a month straight and stuff.. But freshman year I played football and the pads made me get back acne.. It's a lot better now but there are scars and stuff on my back still and it's embarrassing.. I don't want people making fun of me. Advice?


Valid concern. Allow me to better understand your issue by posing the following question: are you filming an episode of Jersey Shore, or are you just a woman? The only question for a man in which tank tops are the answer is "All these dudes around are making me erect. What shirt should I wear to let them know I'm down to chug the mayo?"



Isn't it better to be fat? Think about it, you get what you want and don't have to worry about uncomfortable clothes; just where sweats. they are always warm in the winter and they are bigger meaning great self defense skills. Oh and i hear fat sex is the best. In fact studies show that fat males last longer than thin average sized males in bed.


Stay tuned for tonight's episode of "Stuff lardasses say to justify being so lardassular", where QtrPndr faces the harsh reality that his neutron star-sized midsection is pulling communication satellites out of orbit, and faces harsh U.N. peanut butter sanctions as a result.


I Choose To Do This

My mom is screaming at me and yelling "why can't you control your coughing" while I am doubled over on the floor and almost gagging. I can't even sleep at night because of the coughing. She even said "why can't you cure it, its been a week". I am only 15 what should I do? I am taking Robitussin and cough drops and drinking a lot of water...


The answer is quite simple: when she begins to yell at you, yell back as loud as you can "SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!". Also, do NOT allow her to give away your Waterpik to Lloyd Braun. Failing that, just call her a cunt, and shove her.


God's Cruel Mistake

So, I just realized I have those wierd spots pregnant ladies get, but a bit faded on the edges, and, um... in a pretty weird place. And no I am not pregnant, Im a virgin and never even plan to mess around pre-mairrage.

There is 7-10 of these wierd spots on nowhere but my buttcheek. All in the shape of a circle, not just the edges of a circle, and pretty evenly spaced.

Once again, I apologize for the akwardness ... but I doubt you would be dying to go to the doctor to get your butt examined either.

Is that unusual? Is there a way to fix it? Must I see a doctor?


First, we need to get a precise assessment of your bare ass cheeks, for scientific purposes. So I'm gonna need you to swing by my home. Second, thanks for the highly detailed description of your ass, which should help when I do the knuckle shuffle on my piss pipe later.


It's Just Science

i have big lips. a lot of people say they're plump and pretty and everything & I always cover them in lip gloss lol because they get chapped easily. why do i have such big lips?


Maybe you're black.


That's It, Just Keep Puffing, Don't Stop

I'm 20 years old. I've been smoking since I was 15. I smoke a pack a day and I'm far from what you would call "a social smoker". Last night I was smoking a cigarette and the first two or three drags I was fine but then every drag I took after made me more and more nauseous. I ended up putting out the cigarette after only smoking half of it and threw up right after. This has NEVER happened to me in 5 years of smoking. What does this mean?


I wouldn't be too worried. My uncle had the same thing happen to him a few years back. Turns out what he thought was a cigarette was actually a clown's penis he was smoking. Were you also smoking a clown's penis? Cotton candy near the base of the shaft is a definitive test.


Turn That Frown Upside Down

I feel like there is no reason to be happy I have went through the hardest things in life and I'm just tired of everything.When I am happy someone or something I hear makes me sad :/ I may kill myself I'm sick and, tired of everything.I feel like theres no point in life. :'(


I see your English composition skills committed suicide a while back. But what I find most upsetting is that Chinese food is made of cats. I mean, who knew?


Fight Fire With Fire

Is strep throat and hot sauce a bad idea or good one that actually i can benefit from? will this help go away faster am think it hurt even more????


You are correct in thinking you will benefit from this. If you don't believe me, ask someone to kick you in the dick (simulating your painful throat), and then alieve this newfound pain by sticking your prick in a fireant mound (simulating your sexy hot sauce mound).

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