Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Historically Accurate. Apparently Wildly Inappropriate.

It's time for the Thanksgiving edition of "Things That Are Historically Accurate but Still Wildly Inappropriate...Apparently".

  • Brandishing a blunderbuss around the city center, and telling the police it's "totally cool, man" because you're "keeping the natives at bay"
  • Insisting that your family list all the things that they're thankful for, and then, when it's your turn, proclaiming "I'm thankful for the Chinese". Going on to add that they "aim to please", and "only come up to your knees"
  • Constantly referring to your scrotum as your "waddle", complete with your DIY red paint job to make it look authentic
  • Inviting your neighbors over for a lovely diner, waiting for them to arrive, bludgeoning them to death with a hatchet, and then claiming their house as yours under the law case of "Finders v. Keepers"
  • Giving a cooking school demonstration on how to make turducken, by inserting a live chicken up a living duck's ass, which is then inserted up a live turkey's ass. And referring to the whole shebang as a "holiday-bird-centipede"
  • Bringing stuffing to your family affair, and telling everyone to enjoy, as it contains "real bits of injin" in it
  • Attempting to make any amount of hats, clothing, or ceremonial garb out of the native wildlife. Even though the period correct animals of today just happen to be alley cats and pigeons.
  • Trying to be topical with the recent elections by stating that everyone sharing food is "socialist" and that all the Republicans are "welcome to eat outside". Then trying to smooth that over by letting uncle Jim know that he can carve the turkey since he lost his job and "needs to feel like a man again"
  • Telling your in-laws that you can't help clean up after the feast, citing that you're "white" and that cleaning up is "Squanto's duty"
  • Attempting to buy holiday necessities with, or even mentioning that you have, human scalps
  • Telling the aunt that brought ToFurkey to the festivities that she's "making the pilgrims cry with her homosexual offering"
  • Letting your family know that you have to leave early because you intend to spend your night "masturbating to internet videos of native women, because that's what our forefathers did"

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