Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Monday, December 12, 2011

Holiday Abominations

Well, it's that time of year again. The time where the savior for all of those afflicted with crippling holiday fever reminds us of the important teachings from 2000 years ago.
And God spake all these words, saying, I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the house of low disposable income. Yay, I say unto thee, adorn thy horseless carriage with many trinkets and animal parts. For they are clever, and holy, and are wrought with praise and admiration for thine savior on high. And the lord God continued, saying, fear not if thoust should find ones carriage low in holy spirit, for these relics are chintzy and cheap, available at thine local Mart of Wals.
Tough titties. I don't care that god said it. If you put Christmas ornaments or fake reindeer parts on your vehicle, you should be forced to watch festive elves rape your family.

Nothing says holiday cheer like a red baboon ass on the front of your SUV
What is that? Did you have a front-end collision with Martha Stewart's cunt?
Both legal and awesome looking. You were going for the "tiny-bulb fairy shit all over my car" look, right?
Oh, we're acutely aware of the autism you're clearly afflicted with. News for you, reindeer-antler-sticking-out-window people, they look like three-pronged, fuzzy, brown dicks sticking out of your windows. Honestly, the dicks would be less nonsensical than antlers.

You know what anyone that puts obnoxious and insane holiday trinkets on their car is, don't you? They're a holiday ricer; taking part in some Fast & Furious movie centered around mentally-unbalanced mall Santas. In their minds, they think they're fundamentally different than the guy that converts his turd Geo Metro into a dinosaur.

To their credit, they're correct; they are different than dino car man. You see, unlike the mall-roving ornamental graffiti people, dino man has both the creativity and the wherewithal to execute his vision completely, and commits to it all year. Much better than your half-assed automotive nativity scene.

That's right holiday ricers, you're just as stupid but even less creative than the obviously handicapped dinosaur car guy. Just throw on your disgusting and gaudy holiday Cosby sweaters and accept the fact that to everyone you meet on the road, this is what you look like:

It's embarrassing shit like this that makes Jesus hide in, and only reveal himself from, some hillbilly's toast.

No comments:

Post a Comment