Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Inspirational Words For My Gym Friends

I wanted to commend you since I see you're up to 125lbs on the chest presses, Eastern Bloc man wearing stereotypical tracksuit and talking to himself in Russian. Nicely done comrade.

Looking good on those calf presses, man with world war 2 bomber navigator headphones hooked up to iPod. All the extra weight on your head probably is helping tone your neck as well.

Hello! I SAID HELLO! That's an impressive amount of weight you're able to dead lift there, man with ear buds blocking him from hearing his own aneurism-inducing grunts extremely forcefully on every rep.

I thought you didn't work out on Wednesdays? Either way, glad you could make it in today, woman with stretchy athletic pants with a seam sewed into them that bunches up in the anus region, making them resemble a pair full of dump.

I must say, you've had a great improvement in your form this week, compared to last, guy that works out in his business attire. Just because you're sweating profusely, there's no reason not to look boardroom appropriate.

You have great energy today, woman wearing full-length burqa, whilst carrying around a single free-weight, without ever actually using it. Keep that momentum going.

Those were some great ab curls you banged out there earlier; lots of energy and intensity. Keep up that great drive, group of free-range homosexuals congregating in the gym to talk about the TV show Glee.

Amazing stamina today, man who comes in to watch sports on the TV mounted on the wall by the free-weights, while doing no actual working out at all. You were in particularly good form when your baseball team did poorly, forcing you to stomp around the machines exclaiming "come on!"

Excellent performance on the stationary bike today. I must say it was quite impressive that you could pedal at 3.5 MPH for over 20 minutes, man that looks like Jesus, and spends his entire workout period talking on his cell phone.

You guys are improving quite nicely in your routine. Quite remarkable compared to just a few weeks ago, gaggle of squawking women coalescing by the treadmills.

Tremendous amounts of hustle on the bikes today, woman who's so rotund that she fills up the entire area between the seat and handlebars on the stationary bikes. Really good energy.

You're really making some headway today, congratulations. You've done a good amount of sets, woman that's nearing 80 years old and comes to the gym caked in makeup to the point where she looks like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.

I applaud you on your seemingly endless amounts of energy, stocky man in one-piece spandex outfit that makes him looks like something out of a 1920s exhibit at a fitness museum. Should really come in handy when you box that kangaroo later.

It can be hard to stay motivated when it comes to your health, so I'm glad to see you made it in today, man with overpowering body odor, that never wipes down machines after use, and is apparently immune to noticing his own funky emanations.

I must say, that was an inspiring performance you put on over by the delt / pec machine, group of tweens roaming around the gym whilst all starring down at, and interacting with, their iPhones exclusively.

Excellent enthusiasm and energy on the floor today, man who's workout routine consists solely of watching himself run in place in front of the floor-length mirror.

Keep up the good work and the truly remarkable adherence to the principles of the buddy system, two old men that share a single machine. Each taking a turn doing a single rep, and then switching to let the other man do the same thing.
I appreciate your dedication, so it's too bad you couldn't join us today, angry man that drove to the gym, only to leave because the closest parking spot was half a block away, smashing his motivation and precluding him from actually making it inside the gym because walking is too strenuous.

Good work with the exercise ball, you have excellent core strength, woman wearing gaudy spandex pants eerily similar to the American flag pants worn at Rex Kwon Do in the movie Napoleon Dynamite.

And yes, these are all real people I've seen at the gym.

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