Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Unpublished Harry Potter Books

We all know that Harry Potter was secretly an allegory about homosexuality expressed unabashedly through gay wizards, but the series hides other secrets as well. Now that the movie saga has concluded and everybody on the face of the earth owns all the movies, J K Rowling would like to share a secret with her faithful fans. Unbeknownst to nearly everyone, the Harry Potter series includes several books that have seen neither the light of day nor the gaze of many a skinny jean wearer. Despite never being published, these books were editorially reviewed, and luckily for you all, these notes regarding the books subsequent rejection have recently been found and released.

Harry Potter and the Luminous Fart

Editor's Notes

"Compelling plot, but permeated with unsavory images"

"Too many references to corn nibblets and the Latin phrase for 'magical obscuring anus dust'"

"Detailed descriptions of lessons taught to master the inner working of student's anus' might be considered borderline statutory rape, even in the wizard world"

Harry Potter and the Missing Labia

Editor's Notes

"Gynecological references of this nature are well beyond an 8th grade reading level, and are banned in most schools"

"The myriad of references to 'a smell of the ocean' being a clue about the proximity to the missing labia is a little off-color"

"Remove or tone down the number of times you mention mystical bearded clams in the story line. Seems superfluous."

Harry Potter and the Simian's Nipple

Editor's Notes

"I feel the storyline regarding Harry's need for simian milk will leave the reader extremely confused, and potentially off-put"

"Truly unfortunate that during tense story moments, you chose to have various characters continually refer to the simian as 'tit-hoarding', and 'a Jew'"

Harry Potter and the Angry Badger's Hole

Editor's Notes

"Should maybe consider replacing the badger's 'hole' with the badger's 'den'"

"Should definitely consider replacing the badger's 'gaping hole' with something obviously not innuendo"

"There's no biological proof that badgers 'prefer raping to killing victims outright', so those claims in the book should be done away with"

Harry Potter and the Ghost Turd

Editor's Notes

"Please refrain from the use of explicit descriptions of bodily functions; remember who your audience is"

"Is there any specific reason Dobby spends a great deal of time in the women's lavatory in this book?"

"Not sure what this story has to do with the Alaskan pipeline that you keep referencing. Is there another meaning I'm unaware of? Never mind, I found out the alternate meaning. Awful. Terrible and awful."

Harry Potter and the Wizard's Shaft

Editor's Notes

"Well, to help dispel rumors you should probably replace 'shaft' with 'wand', 'sack' with 'satchel' and 'throbbing member' with 'enchanted staff'"

"The references to the Catholic church are highly unnecessary"

"I'm not sure I see the point of writing this book when you have Harry spending roughly half the storyline crying in his dormitory room"

Harry Potter and the Nonexistent Black People

Editor's Notes

"I'm glad you brought this up, as I've never seen any people of African descent at Hogwarts. Was that intentional?"

"Don't think the casual mentions of the word 'spooks' hasn't gone unnoticed. I suggest you re-think the purpose of this edition to the story"

"You may have set civil rights and the issue of race relations back for an entire generation of readers with this piece of trash"

Harry Potter and the Enchanted Hot Pocket

Editor's Notes

"Honestly, I find the abundant product placement here a little gauche"

"I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I don't think the reader or the storyline are appropriate for using the words 'Hot Pocket' and 'Fleshlight' interchangeably"

Harry Potter and the Uncircumcised Unicorn

Editor's Notes

"Apart from a few oddly disturbing lectures from Snape, this entire book seems to be nothing but penis and 'covered wagon' jokes"


"Yup, after reading it all, it's pretty much just a tomb of penis jokes. Disappointing at the very least."

Harry Potter and the Silent Handjob

Editor's Notes

"I'm sure you mean some spell-casting hand gesture, or a magical device that responds to hand touch, but you should consider changing the title"

"Disregard that last comment, you clearly mean the...other type of handjob. Senseless."

"Beyond that fact that this book is already unpublishable, I'd just like to point out that all the references to Harry's 'magic cum goggles' destroyed my view of the character entirely."

Harry Potter and the Extra Chromosome

Editor's Notes

"That's just about enough Mrs. Rowling. I've tolerated a lot of really odd stuff in this latest batch of your books, but you have taken it too far this time. It's entirely inappropriate for you to center this book around a new spell that Harry learns that allows his to cast Downs Syndrome onto someone. Hell, your demented creation turns half the cast into handicapped people, for which you should be ashamed of yourself. And yes, handicapped is the term, unlike your incessant use of the phrase 'derp derp the magic tard'."

"I quit"

Honestly, I can't see much wrong with any of these rejected books. If it weren't for the meddlesome editor, I'm confident these would have made damn good movies too. What a shame.

1 comment:

  1. As they say, we see only 1 idea out of 10 that an artist has. Maybe these will be released as a sort of Harry Potter Apocrypha? One could only hope.