I Think I Was Punk'd

Are you:

• A middle-aged man?
• Devoid of everything normal in life?
• Desperate for mental stimulation?
• Have no concept of public and private space?
• Not afraid to become despised by those around you?
• Absolutely bewildered by everything around you?
• The George Steinbrenner character from Seinfeld?

If you answered yes to all of the above, you belong at the pizzeria down the street from me. Please enjoy these very real conversations the aforementioned man likes to have there, while waiting for his pizza, in an outdoor voice, with no input from anyone else in the establishment.

What, what is uh, that there? Right there. On the menu right there. What's that about? Broccoli?

You can put broccoli on a pizza?

I never thought I'd live to see the day. That's wild, man. Really wild. Broccoli, that's a new one. Didn't think when I came in here that I'd be confronted with an option for broccoli. Wild stuff. Wild stuff.

What's the texture of that broccoli? Hmmm? Is it, like stringy and crunchy? Or mushy? Do you cook it on the pizza?

I wonder what that does to the broccoli. Could do anything do it, maybe it makes it mushy. Does it become mushy when you cook that broccoli there? Mushy?

If you were to guess, how many nodules would you say are on a single piece of broccoli? You know what I'm saying? The little nodules? How many just on one piece? I bet it's a lot. It's got to be a lot; they're so tiny. Don't you think so? Nature is amazing.

Broccoli, wow. That's truly some amazing stuff.

Broccoli.

Wild.

Pheeeeewwwwww. That's a really amazing bathroom you have got there. Truly one of the finest I can recall. A shining beacon as far as bathrooms go.

You should be very proud of that bathroom you have there. Did you know that? Stellar. Stellar bathroom. The experience was excellent from the top to the bottom.

What kind of toilet paper was that in there? Was that some sort of commercial-grade stuff? That was some high-quality toilet paper, let me tell you. Supple is the only word to describe it. Supple.

I've tried 1-ply paper before. I've tried 2-ply paper before. But that was better than both. 1-ply, 2-ply, and then your paper, in ascending order of enjoyment. Supple. My butthole has never felt so pampered, let me tell you.

The other people in here are really doing themselves a disservice by NOT going in there and giving your supreme paper a drag across their ol' anus. Really missing out. Re-e-e-e-ally missing out. That's for damn sure.

Was that lilacs I smelt in there as well? Lilacs perhaps? I gotta tell ya, for me, it doesn't get better than lilacs, as far as bathroom scents goes. Yes sirree. I will be yelping about my nose and anus' palatial treatment when I get home, I'll say that right now.

*cell phone ringtone begins to play*

Oh my, what a delightful sound that was. Did you hear that? You hear that delightful electronic sound?

Some manner of electronic bliss just filled the room. Did you hear it? It was springy and jingly; absolutely delightful.

Think I can get my phone to play that? They're both phones, so they should be able to, correct? That phone and mine? Then we can both have that heavenly tone to share with others. Oh, how delightful that'd be.

How many hertz do you think that tone played at? Hertz? Cycles per second; that's what that is. Do you think it was a low number or a high number? I bet it was higher, it was so breezy and enjoyable. Probably a higher number of hertz, don't you agree?

"Beep boop deedly doo bring bring boop", love it!

For the TL:DR crowd, here's all three scenarios summed up in simple emoticon form:

Food Jockey	Worthless Patron	Me	Everyone else