Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Cosmopolitan Magazine - Slop Secrets of the Gods

Another in our proud series of ridiculously legitimate sex moves designed to ensnare your man in your gooey web.

10 Top Raunchy Moves to Blow Your Man's Top

1 Sex Volcano

This sexy move is best kept as a surprise, to maximize it's erogenous effects. When working the ol' yogurt pole with your mouth, moments before your man blasts your throat, take one or two jalapeno seeds that you've been hiding and press them gently into his dickhole with your thumb. His orgasm will be like a elementary school volcano science project!
2 Texas Style

To start off with, give your man a special treat; tell him you're going to let him enter your puckery dumper. Here comes the fuck secret though: instead of your traditional water-based lube used for anal insertion, use southern style BBQ sauce. The smokey, hickory woodchip zest will send his boner over the moon with pleasure!

3 The School Lunch

This sexy tip is applicable during missionary or doggy style sex with your man. Tell him you have to get ready for him to enter you, and instead of applying lube to his jimmy, run a bead of peanut butter up the top side, and sprinkle it with raisins. Like a sexy ants on a log! Go thrust-crazy from there!
4 Oh Captain, My Captain

Sometime, when your man is relaxing at home, and least expecting it, excuse yourself from his presence only to return fully nude. The sight of your body and the unexpectedness of it will begin to make him very aroused. Now for the fun part; when he's blindsided by your voluptuous tits, punch him square in the face and exclaim: "do not gaze upon your captain with your disgusting lustful eyes!". This titillating game of sadism is sure to leave him begging for more!
5 Tiny Nibbles

This is a fun one to try if you're into controlling your man a bit during sex. In the course of having sex with him, transition to riding him cowgirl style; work that juicy twat up and down to get him really fired up. As you sense him getting close to climax, spill a container of fire ants on his bare chest. The combination of sex, tiny bites and the endorphins to dull the pain will give him an amazing orgasm he's sure to never forget!

6 Your Name is Toby

This one is a rare and pleasurable treat. In the midst of a sexy romp with your man, surprise him by revealing to him a newly acquired set of anal beads. Upon seeing his arousal at the exciting new bedroom prospect, tell him to watch as you use them. Then, surprise him further by taking the beads and lashing him in the balls with them, like a plastic whip! The extra sensations are sure to make him quiver and double-over with enjoyment!
7 Silky, Shiny, Sexy

After a long day, invite your man to join you in the shower. After soaping up and cleaning each other up, tell him it's time to get dirty! Drop to your knees and begin choking the tubesteak down. Mid chomp-down, reach back and surprise him by inserting and squirting your bottle of Pantene Pro-V up his ass. He'll be making his own type of "suds" in no time!

8 The PBHJ

Time for a bit of throwback pleasure! Tell your man that you want to reenact your first date and give him a handjob while you cry softly. Instead of using your tears as jerk lube though, use delicious and sensuous peanut butter. Extra chunky will blow his mind and exfoliate his cock!
9 Beef Curtains

A hungry man is an attentive man; he'll do almost anything to get tasty food. Why not turn it into a fun game for him and a pleasurable game for you? Simple buy some sliced roast beef, and fold the slices into halves. Then, simply nestle these slices in between your vag lips. He'll root around like a savage trying to find the food he craves and will get a sexy surprise when he does!

10 Rumbleblumpkin

Sexy treat ahoy! Simply wait for your man to excuse himself to go to the bathroom. Once you know he's dropping a heavy deuce in there, slip on in and start blowjobbing the hell out of him while he's in the act, all the while making rumbly tractor noises. The surprise and combination of concurrent sensory events will be sure to drive him wild! You can bet your ass he'll never think of crapping the same way again!

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