Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

San Diego Weather

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A perfect idyllic day, enjoyable in every measurable atmospheric way. Truly the benchmark for a "southern California" day. This day would suck your dick if it could.

Would you like some nachos with that blowjob?

That's how awesome this day is.


Sunny but cold


Hmmm...that's odd.

Average temperatures today are expected to be roughly 20° below freezing. Time to dust off that jacket and nut-warmer, and layer up on sweaters to hide those nipples set to "blast" mode.


Hot as all hell


Ok, forget what we said yesterday; put all your jackets and sweaters away. It's hotter than all fuck up in the region today. Imagine the temperature at which you become a sweaty mound of flesh that sticks to all matter it touches. Now take that temperature and multiply it by 1.7. It's possible that the gods are playing a joke on the city, but meteorologists haven't been able to confirm.


Perpetual darkness


Well, it seems that the long-prophesied end is upon us now. The sun, black as sackcloth, is nearly absent from our lives today. It's darker than a ditch-digger's ass outside today...presumably due to you lot angering god...but don't bother using your headlights as you commute on this end-day. Although the sun is black, it's still out, thus making it daytime.

I'm sorry Jesus.


Moderate meteorites


Well, it appears we were wrong, again. These things happen.

Yesterday was not the judgement day as we originally predicted. Today, however, is. This is it. Totally fo' sho'.

A cold front coming down from the Canadian rockies is expected to open the skies up and dump a slew of iron and rock celestial bodies upon the city today. Few will be spared on this, the most righteous of days. Pot-holes in the city are expected to increase 12% due to these extinction-level events. So you motorists be on the lookout.


Angry solar flares


We're all still alive, it seems. Perhaps all being spared so as to enjoy this greatest of beach days. It'll be a scorcher out there, so pick up some sun-block and head on down to the nearest beach for some California living today.

Due to the sun's violent anger and mass-coronal ejections, highs today are expected to top 258®; a record for November. Remember to keep all pets and children in a cool environment roughly two and a half miles below the Earth's crust, safely away from the charged particles.




Cloudy and cool with rainfall estimated in multiples of whole inches.

I wish you all the best of luck. Single digit percentages are expected to survive this deluge in San Diego. I'll see you all on the other side.

*The above days factually represent any given week in San Diego

Now back to you in the studio, Mr. San Diego weather forecaster, who couldn't forecast his tits out of a paper bag.

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