Fixing America's Poor Eating Habits

"We are not saying pizza is a vegetable," said Corey Henry, the spokesman for the American Frozen Food Institute, which supports the bill. "What we are saying is if you serve a slice of pizza with 2 tablespoons of vegetable paste, it can be an important way to deliver a number of vegetables that children will actually consume."

"We believe we can improve child nutrition by ensuring that schools are able to provide vegetables in any form," Henry said. "It's a little bizarre for us that in trying to improve nutrition, you take items from school cafeterias that do provide vital sources of vitamins and nutrients."


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Let's face it, making smart and healthy eating decisions is hard. Lack of knowledge about, and easy access to, unhealthy choices seem to be a fixture of American dietary culture. On a daily basis we're all faced with tough dietary questions such as:

• Which will satisfy my daily requirement of Vitamin D: 14 peanut M&Ms or an Almond Joy?
• Would an egg McMuffin or just a deep-fried English muffin be more sensible for breakfast?
• How many bags of kettle-cooked potato chips should I eat daily to maintain my health needs?
• Are these Post-It notes on my desk edible?
• Why am I told that I shouldn't try to eat my own armpits, despite them smelling like Taco Bell?

I'm not a dietitian; I don't have the answers.

But crushed under the weight of these important decisions, it's getting harder and harder for us Americans to stay healthy. That's why I wholeheartedly trust the dietetical ideas of Mr. Henry; simply redefine the unhealthy foods we already eat, as the healthy food we should be eating. Using his expanded concept of nutritional completeness, the following amendments are being made to my diet, under the hopes that they'll soon filter into our schools as well.

Used to Be Garbage	Now Counts as	Why the Fuck?
	1 serving of vegetables	Has tomato (which is a fruit) paste layered on it. Fuck you, deal with it.
	1 serving of vegetables	Made of healthy-ass corn and salsa-adjacent flavors
	1 serving of dairy	Milk chocolate, dumbass
	1/2 serving of vegetables and 1/2 serving of protein	Made with some coffee --> coffee comes from beans --> beans are legumes containing proteins --> science
	2 servings of grains	Beer is essentially bread. Nutritious bread and nourishing water.
	1 serving of fruit	Don't be stupid, the package says "contains real fruit juice"
	1 serving of meat	Jesus Christ. It's egg-shaped. Eggs are made by meats to make more meats. What's so hard to understand?

It's a little bizarre for me that in trying to improve children's nutrition, you wouldn't feed them loads of pizza, Starbursts, Frappuccinos, 3 Musketeer bars, Doritos, cream eggs and beer. Frankly, it seems a little irresponsible not to.

Get your shit together, schools.