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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Explaining the Unexplainable: People of Wal-Mart

For those that may not know, the eugenics movement in the United States was, in brief synopsis, a movement to improve the quality of societal members in future generations by sterilizing certain "unfit" groups of people to prevent dissemination of their genes. Several states adopted eugenics legislation, which was seen as a good idea...until the Nazis came along and showed them the unhappy end effect of believing certain groups of people are inherently better than others.

Silly me believing what I read, I assumed that eugenics (apart from genetic engineering) was pretty much dead in the United States. However, after starring in bewilderment at countless photos on peopleofwalmart.com, I'm forced to conclude that eugenics is alive and well. And that Wal-Mart operates as a identification and collection area for the dredges of society; an incorporated leper colony designed with the express intent to draw in the lake-monsters living in the general populous, in order to force mandatory sterilization upon them. What else could it be?

The photos I found on the site so confounding and perplexing on many levels, that no matter how much logic I applied to them, I could not suss out how the situations photographed came to be knowingly actualized in the real world.

Given that I could not come up with rational explanations for any of the photos, I instead must now force upon them the only irrational, but still conceivable, scenarios that led up their existence.

In the foreign world of far-eastern spice trading, little is known of the western world. However, this gentleman was given, possibly in exchange for some fennel or mace, a 1980s American workout VHS tape. The culture shock was immediate and jarring; forcing this sole proprietor to give up his trade and seek out the cultural home of his new-found idol.

In a truly tragic turn of events, a shoeless, diaper-wearing sky diver failed to check the structural integrity of their harness; resulting in the ultimate failure of their parachute system. The crucial system was jettisoned from the unfortunate soul, who proceeded to crash through the roof of a local Wal-Mart; landing directly on top of an unsuspecting shoe shopper trying on a pair of size 7's.

While traditionally native to Venezuela and other South American nations, this capybara was not dissuaded by geography. Unbelievable deals on Cheetos and housewares forced this particular capybara to trek the thousands of miles required to live the sweet, sweet economic dream it had longed for. The purple harness is just to restrain is from consuming all tremendous deals in its vicinity.

Like a modern day Noah of biblical times, this blessed elder woman was given lordly knowledge of an impending catastrophe. Instructed by the lord up high to prepare for a deluge that would wipe all the unworthy from the earth, Betty water-proofed her most precious and holy cotton candy pile by affixing it to her head, wrapped in a flood-proof plastic sack.

What may seem horribly, horribly off-putting at first glance, is actually a true tale of heroism. By some unexplained mechanism, a new-born infant had become trapped inside the blood pressure testing machine. This burly and brave man, seeing that no one else was capable of helping the starving infant, offered up his lactating and bologna flavored man-boob to satiate the poor child.

Clearly this man just finished a rigorous cardiovascular workout routine, and is re-hydrating whilst regaining his composure after engaging in his very active lifestyle.

Initially it looks as though, through some unimaginable series of events, this woman managed to put a shirt, socks, and shoes on whilst still neglecting to wear pants of any sort. The truth is that she had a pair of legitimate pants on, but narrowly escaped a run in with kodiak bear in the parking lot; where her pants were the only casualty. Being the trooper that she is, she didn't let this altercation impede her from buying cleaning supplies.

Not an out of the ordinary situation: you're at home, pantsless, and you get that dire call that forces you to rush to Wal-Mart to look at posters of the cast of Jersey Shore. In your haste to get to the poster before they're all nabbed up, the only pants you find are a pair belonging to your 8 year-old, daddy-less, daughter. 1 tub of Crisco and 2 confusingly individual butt-cheeks later, you've successfully donned the pants and away you go. Happens all the damn time.

In the 1960's a government experiment known as the Philadelphia project used theories from Nikola Tesla to allow inter-dimensional / time-travel via advanced electromagnetic properties. One of the unintentional outcomes of this experiment was the arrival of the traveler spotted in this photo; hailing from a time and place where she was paradoxically at the Wal-Mart before donning her shirt.

What originally appears to be a total fashion mystery at a cursory glance, makes more sense when viewed through the eyes of an economist. Installment plans allowed for this uniquely disadvantaged person to purchase the first third and last third of their pants, while paying for the middle third on a schedule that fits their particularly crippling budget.

At first glance, the average user might be confused into thinking this retail-dweller is nothing more a shambly wildebeest, desperate for attention and fuel for her diabetes. But nay. What you are actually witnessing is a resourceful innovator, doing some real-world tests of her latest pragmatic invention: "Soul Pants". Acting as a window into the soul, and very akin to the mood rings of the early 90s, this device allows everyone to see the cognitive desires the wearer.

Actually, I'm not even sure why this one is here; it's not that confusing. This is just a photo of two of the newest cyborg door greeters being employed by Wal-Mart; prior to being activated. Although, I can see how people might have been confused into thinking it was possibly two fuck-heads in plastic outfits and duct tape costume heads.

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