Cox: Cocks

You might not be able to tell this, since I'm conveying this message via the internet, but my home internet has been gone for going on three days. Three damn days. According to Cox, this outage is limited to approximately just the block that I reside on. No joke. I'm forced to write this spiteful post from work.

What a crock of horseshit. I can't imagine a single problem that would exist (given that the television data is unaffected) that would warrant a three day loss of service. The entire copper / fiber-optic wire network on our block could have been stolen by hooligans or chewed threw by rodents, and that would still take less than three days to patch.

Coincidentally, an internet search for why my internet is gone has returned nothing. I suspect that a disgruntled digital spokesperson stole a key pixel needed for my block's internet to work.

Below is a list of all the things I've been FORCED to do, due to lack of internet at home:

• Click refresh in my browser for 16-hours nonstop, forcing me to lose use of my right index finger.
• Watch TV shows with god damned commercials in them, forcing me to buy unwanted consumer products against my will.
• Talk to human beings in person, forcing me to take a shower.

It even led to the world's most awkward customer service phone call:

Representative:	Hello, thanks for choosing Cox, how may I help you today?
Me:	Yeah, what the hell is wrong with you people? I have this damn internet service of yours and I have yet to see a single pixel in days now. I don't know what to do here.
Representative:	First, sir, please calm down. I understand you're angry.
Me:	You're damn right I'm angry. I haven't been able to look at car forums or amateur teen sex webcam sites in days now. Meanwhile, SAAB is in trouble again, and I got this boner that just won't quit. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Representative:	Sir, you're going to have to calm down or I'm going to terminate this call.
Me:	Oh Jesus Christ
Representative:	We sincerely apologize for this inconvenience, as our customer's satisfaction is our number one concern. I assure you that we're aware of the problem, and we're working on returning your service as fast as possible.
Me:	Can you tell me what's going on with SAAB? Huh? Or produce slutty moving pictures for me to masturbate to?
Representative:	.....
Me:	You don't have a clue do you? For fucks sake. Do you know that I had to buy a skin mag at a store today? That's right. Printed images to jerk off to; like some kind of savage. It was embarrassing as shit, but nooooo, Cox doesn't care, do they? I could have a high hard-on all damn day, and what's Cox going to do about it? Tug me out? I don't think so maam. If you had beautiful pairs of pants like mine, and you had a flaming erection fucking them all up, you'd be pissed off too. Unbelievable.
Representative:	We thank you for your call. Goodbye sir.

I am pissed. If you don't return my interwebs to me, I'm taking my business to Comcast.

And once you see my dick, you won't want it!!!